It's been a while since I've done any journaling. Or any writing for that matter. Not even sure if I still know how to write. But here goes...
Been on the run so much. Torn between two worlds. Always on the go. Like i'm in a hurry. Any time i have to myself it seems like i'm rushing through it. Don't know if i still got it in me. i feel like i'm losing myself.
any alone time i had lately has been filled with other people. my world hasn't stopped turning. my vision blurred. blurred vision. not sure what i'm seeing. maybe this is the curse. i'm constantly torn between the two worlds - i'm tryna run away from my asian upbringing, but it keeps coming back. the introvert in me, the depressed scared boy in me, is long gone now. now it seems all is well, and i'm all grown up now and i'm here doing the best i can on my own. but have i lost control? have i lost all boundaries and now idk where to go no more. no anchor. i'm just wandering aimlessly. dont even know what's good for me no more. i could only jot down my thoughts, hoping i could remind myself of the person i was one day when i look back.
i don't wanna be alone. but i also dont know how to be with someone else. cuz when was the last time i truly was alone? it was filled with tv, alcohol, drinking, friends. i prided myself on being the plug, on being the life of the party and on the popular one. but when was the last time i stopped and invested in myself? maybe i already stopped growing.
growing up in two contrasting worlds - caught between the version of me i strive to be and the version of me that i wanna leave behind. don't even feel safe in my own home.
the world is going too fast and i seem powerless to slow it down. any chance i get i fill it up with alcohol and friends so i don't have to feel the pain. when was the last time i stopped andlooked back?
i mean is a glass of wine so bad? when am i gonna break out the good bottle? maybe on the night that i'll be treating myself. i deserve it. i'm scared to look back.
it's a little cold today. the breeze whipping past my face and thesky seemsso far. i remember how much i loved writing. how do i get to the plane and maybe these moquitoes are having a feast. can't be easy when i'm not living my best truth. and my birthday is approaching yet again. but have i really grown?
bottle in my hand.
haven't even been up here in a while. maybe i'm too scared to fall. maybe i'm scared to be so high, so close to the sky. maybe i'm scared of the truth.
body is falling apart. maybe the discovery that my body is falling is a wake up call. you never know when you might get that call. and what you gon leave behind?
is it a hernia? but why every time i move it hurts. don't know what is going on with me. but i'm just tired and idk whats wrong. the lump in my body, lump in my heart. i'm not ready to go.
this is nice. it seems time comes to a still. and i'm not in a rush to go. staring at the stars, thinking about the family and what's going on. maybe i could use some more stillness. maybe i could try this again sometime. and i'll remember what's really important. is me.
now i understand why tyriece is so reluctant to give up his freedom and his serenity. i get it now. it's a lonely journey. they are just some guiding lights along the way.
listening to some old songs. maybe it'll lead the way.
beyonce.
obsessed with Blow.
oh. today was a good day.
and i dont feel like i'm running out of time no more.
less on the now. and more on the future. it's the urgency driving me.
slow down. take a minute. listen to the quietness i never seem to hear otherwise. stare into the darkness . and you'll appreciate it all. maybe i'm tripping. but youll never use me again. open your eyes maybe youll see something you never seen before. a whole new world
this will always be a part of me. no matter what. you can't deny it. soon you'll see none of this actually means much
almost lost my voice. but i'm gon miss this view when i go to la. and all my friends. but i'm gon be aight. i know it won't solve all my problems. but i'm ready to move on up. we can't always have everything we want. i'm scared i'll forget it all one day but i tried so hard to erase. but havne't done this in so long.
and this was the most free i've felt in a while.
